I hate Christmas music. Well, hate is a strong word, I’ve just listened to it too much. Many years ago, I worked in the seafood department at a grocery store, and after Thanksgiving they’d play Christmas music over the speakers. This was also an extremely busy time for seafood orders, and I’d stand at the sink with a gigantic bag of shrimp, peeling and cleaning each one for customers’ holiday shrimp platters. This was monotonous work, so I’d end up focusing on the Christmas music being blasted throughout the store.

I think this is a thing that happens to a lot of retail workers. You get so bored that you start trying to figure out what the hell the guy in “Jingle Bell Rock” is talking about or notice that Deen Martin starts calling the title character in “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer” “Rudy” near the end of the song.

And don’t get me started on the “Little Drummer Boy”.

My wife tells me I worked retail over 20 years ago and I should get over this. She’s most likely right, but instead of getting over it I’ve compiled a list of Christmas music for people who hate Christmas music.

Bob Dylan – Must Be Santa

Did you know Bob Dylan recorded a Christmas album? It’s true. On the album is a polka rendition of “Must be Santa”. It’s up to you to determine if Dylan is being earnest or making fun of Christmas music, but he starts naming US Presidents during the part of the song where Santa’s reindeer are mentioned. It’s a lot of manic fun like a good Christmas party with friends.

Ramones – “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)”

I don’t know if the Ramones are talking about physically fighting on Christmas, or having an argument with their girlfriends. Either way, it doesn’t matter since the song is only 2 minutes long like most Ramones’ songs.

Fear – Fuck Christmas

In college I knew a guy who wore a little button that was a Christmas tree with one of those red “no” crosses through it. I asked him what it was and he introduced me to the band Fear who wrote this very very short anti-Christmas song.

Macka B – Christmas Cancelled

In Madison, Wisconsin there is this community run radio station called WORT 89.9. It makes NPR look like Breitbart radio. They do a reggae/pan African music show on the weekends which is where I learned about this extremely anti-commercial, anti-Rome Christmas song by Macka B.

RUN DMC – Christmas In Hollis

I don’t understand why this song doesn’t get any radio play during the holiday season. It’s a great morality tale: If you find Santa’s wallet, just send it back to him.

The Kinks – Father Christmas

I was driving with my wife recently and this song came on the satellite radio, then she switched the station! “Oh wow, a Christmas song you like?” she said. Yes of course, this one is about getting beaten up by angry children while dressed up as Santa, how could you not like it?

All I Want For Christmas (is to kick your ass) – Midnight Riders

I have a theory that every year Mariah Carey’s managers drive a dump truck full of money to her house and unload the contents on her front lawn. This is the royally money from “All I Want For Christmas is You” which she then has shredded and used to mulch her rose garden.

I Won’t Be Home For Christmas – Blink-182

Oh to be a young idiot who’s biggest annoyance is having to see their family at Christmas…