The main thing I love about McDonald’s is that you can drive up to any location, tell them a number and a beverage you like, and get some hot food. The meal is going to cost around $6 so there is no need to get specific. The fast food antithesis of McDonald’s would be Subway. At Subway you answer a long series of questions and an official Sandwich Artists will deliver to you something that may or may not legally resemble food. Yes, who cares if the tuna isn’t really tuna and the chicken salad is 80% sawdust? It’s a sandwich that costs $5 and they generously allowed you to have extra iceberg lettuce at no extra charge!

Overall, fuck Subway! This review is about McDonald’s, specifically their breakfast burrito.

McDonald’s is an example of cold heartless American efficiency. Items only stay on the menu if they’re big sellers. The McDLT, Arch Deluxe, and Chicken Fajita were all systematically introduced and unceremoniously executed for not adding to the bottom line. Even the McRib is only allowed on the menu when pork prices are low enough to make the McDonald’s bean counters happy. The breakfast menu is the same way, practically every item is some variation of their biggest breakfast seller: the Egg McMuffin. There are two things that stand out though. First, the pancakes (which are surprisingly good) and, of course, the breakfast burrito.

I always get the breakfast burritos at McDonald’s. For one, you get two of them for some reason, they’re easy to eat while driving, and lastly they come with hot sauce which you can use right away or throw in a kitchen drawer somewhere and forget about.

Tortilla

Hot, steamy, and mysterious. Who makes these? Sysco? I have no idea but they’ve probably been designed to stay edible after being stored in a warming tray for up to 5 hours.

Fillings

Scrambled eggs (most likely powdered), peppers, onions (most likely dried), sausage (most likely pork I hope), and AMERICAN cheese of course. Everything about these fillings has been designed to congeal together nicely. It’s impossible to replicate at home without at least a masters in food chemistry.

Overall

Obviously designed by chemists in a lab somewhere in Illinois, the McDonald’s breakfast burrito is a true triumph of fast food science. You merely tell a speaker box “number seven with a black coffee”. Two minutes later you have something resembling food. Enjoy this miracle and go on with your day.

Rating: Four burritos out of five 🌯🌯🌯🌯