By Scott Walker – Governor of Wisconsin

Hello fellow Wisconsinites, or should I say “Foxconnsinites”? Ha ha ha! In case you have not heard the news, I worked out the deal of a lifetime with my best friend President Trump, and as a result, the Taiwan based electronics manufacturer Foxconn will be building a 10-billion-dollar facility in the Racine area! The factory will produce LCD screens, which are those little windows on your phone that look like miniature TVs. It’s wonderful to know we’ll be able to play Candy Crush on a screen that was manufactured in the great state of Wisconsin.

Now you may have heard a few nay-sayers in the liberal media (gross!). I can assure you they’re all wrong. I’d like to address a few concerns that have come to my attention:

Hey hold on Scooter, aren’t the Chinese communists? No! I was worried about this at first too, but apparently, these are the NON-COMMUNIST Chinese that live off the mainland on a magical capitalist Disneyland Island called “Taiwan”. President Trump, and my new friend Foxconn founder Terry Gou, tell me it’s a mystical place free from the corruption of labor unions and socialized medicine. Golly, it’s a good thing they don’t have the Green Bay Packers and Spotted Cow or I might just move there!

Some smelly bearded liberal told me our new friends aren’t going to pay any taxes. Taxes are like avocados: if you like them so much you should move to California. Low taxes are why people live in our great state, and I bet that $5 I saved you on your property taxes last year bought you a pretty delicious butter-burger at Culvers. Reaganomics baby! Pure red blooded conservatism!

Are we really changing the name of the state to Foxconnsin? Yes, this one is true. We are also changing the state motto from “Forward” to “Forward Towards a Unified Taiwan”. I’m not sure what this means but Terry tells me not to worry about it.

What’s the deal with this mandatory conscription into something called “His Holy Premier’s Unification Army”? Listen, do you cow fucking morons want the factory or not?

Overall, this seems like a really good deal and you and Donald Trump are very smart for setting this all up! You are correct!

Hopefully this has cleared up any concerns you’ve had. Terry has told me he chose Foxconnsin as the location for his new factory due to our hard working populace, infrastructure, and the availability of nylon for suicide nets. As much as I would like to take full credit for this deal, it’s you, my fellow Foxconnsinites, that I really should be thanking!

Please remember this in 2018 or you will fall victim to my swift and violent revenge. God Bless!